With so many things on my plate, it is in some ways understandable why I have chosen not to make time for ME. Sure, I go out with friends, I get to do fun things and I have a wonderful life in almost every way. But when it comes to taking care of Bethany, and making time for me alone, I fail time and time again.
As a child and into my teenage years, I never, ever struggled with weight. I was a devoted dancer and studied ballet, tap, jazz and acrobatics. I ate, quite literally, anything and everything I ever wanted to and was as thin as a rail. I never gained the "freshman 15" in college and being a pickier eater probably helped me in that regard. I went to college at about 125 lbs, met my husband my junior year at around 128 lbs and graduated my senior year around 133-135 lbs. My senior year I got super lazy and often drove up to class instead of walking which I'm sure accounted for that 5-7 lb gain, but nonetheless amongst roommates ranging in sizes 0 to 2, I felt like a real cow in my size sixes.
I graduated from college in November 2004, got settled into my own apartment and my first "real" job and immediately joined the local gym. I started working out consistently for the first time post-dancing and actually found that I enjoyed it. By February 2005 I became frustrated as I did not see any of my hard work paying off and I started noticing some extra flab around my mid-section. I ordered a DVD system called Core Fitness, determined I was going to keep the flat abs I'd always been blessed with.
On April 22, 2005 after a long day at work and an even longer 5 months spent working out and staying at what I thought was a 133lb. plateau, I found out that I was pregnant. On May 5th my pregnancy was confirmed by my OB, an ultrasound put me at 16 weeks along and we were told we were having a girl. On that day I made a mistake--I hung up my athletic shoes indefinitely--and had I not made that decision, I would probably be healthier today and I would probably not be battling 7 years post-baby the same 10-17 lbs that have stuck around, some lost and re-gained, all this time.
After baby #1 I got down to 140 before giving up, enjoying an abundance of Christmas treats and getting pregnant with #2. Two years after #2 I got serious, kicked 22 lbs out the door, was back down to 140 and got pregnant with #3. When #3 was 8 months old I re-joined Weight Watchers, got serious at the gym again and kicked 25 lbs to the curb reaching my lowest weight since having babies--139!
In the past 7 months since seeing that beautiful number on the scale, I've regained some. I did very well, never going above 142 until November and then holidays, bow-making, house-cleaning, gift-shopping, etc. got in the way and I completely stopped watching what I was doing. It wasn't all for not though because during the past few months I have realized something so important to me as a person who needs to care about herself--I've realized that when I am going to eat something, I need to be fully present and fully enjoying whatever it is in order to feel fulfilled by it. If I eat something mindlessly, it's like my psyche says it doesn't count--my inner self still is hungry. But if I sit down for my meals, try to make them interruption-free as possible, and savor every single bite, I am amazed at how much and at how healthy the food is that fills me up.
Today, 1/23/13, I am two weeks back into Weight Watchers. I am above what I was last June, but I am feeling wonderful. I spent two Weight Watchers cycles blogging every Wednesday on our family blog in what was known as Weight Loss Wednesdays. The focus always was on dieting, on getting the number on the scale a little lower, on fitting into the lower size, on wearing a bikini. When I made the decision to start calling my weekly food and fitness posts "Case of the Wednesdays" I made up my mind that this time, the focus was going to be on feeling in control of what I eat, feeling healthy and strong, building muscle, being consistent, and not quitting. A diet is something one gets to quit after the weight is lost; a lifestyle is forever. I always focused on the diet and thought the lifestyle would follow. Today I focus on the lifestyle up front and I hope that the weight loss and then keeping the weight off will follow.
Here are my goals to begin, and my far less lengthy Wednesday posts will reflect these goals:
1. I would like to ultimately lose 15lbs. from where I am at today.
2. I would like to make exercising and lifting weights an integral part of my life--something that I feel lost without.
3. I would like to only eat when I feel in control.
4. I would like to address and conquer my issues with eating among friends and family (I overeat...every time).
5. I would like to take time for Bethany and put myself before bows & business & volunteering & outside sources of time-taking and stress.
6. I would like to start dancing again--I think that finding exercise that I truly enjoy is essential to my success.
7. I would like to run my 2nd 5K in 2013 (I ran my first one last July!).
8. I would like to eat no fewer than 5 servings of fruits and vegetables on average every single day--even while on vacation, even while spending a day with friends, even while having to be out and about for a time. I need to realize that even during these times it is essential that I take care of Me.
9. I would like to explore any core issues that may contribute to my ultimate lack of past success--my childhood, my father's sudden death when I was 16, my unplanned dive into wife-hood and motherhood at 22 and 23, how I've been treated in the past and how I've treated myself in the past.
Join me for the journey--a journey that will never end. My promise to you all is to be transparent and to never give up. I hope that I'm still journaling about this when I'm 75--perhaps by then I won't need the accountability of weekly journaling and will move onto monthly check-ins with myself--we shall see. I hope that even more than writing about this that I am still embracing the desire to be better and to life healthfully into all the years of my life. And finally, through all of the ups and downs ahead, the successes and failures of myself and the other bloggers here at Case of the Wednesdays, I hope that you know...
We aim to inspire, and to be inspired.
Hi Bethany. Been following you since last summer. Glad to see you're positively impacting your lifestyle. Yay for motivation! :-) and what an inspiration :-)
ReplyDelete