Piper (Week 1)

Hi everyone,

This is my first experience blogging so it may take me a while to get the hang of it. I am definitely the type of person who doesn't like to talk about herself or private life......and that's only was because I didn't think any one would really care enough to read. I couldn't imagine why people would blog about their lives. Pretty negative and pathetic , huh ?? Then I realized that it really doesn't matter because if my story can influence or make a positive connection with just one person then I am doing this for the right reasons. The most important thing is to be true to myself !! Everyone has a story and here is mine.....


So here it goes........ I am a 37 year old mom of 2 boys ages 10 and 7. I work as a pediatric nurse part time. I decided to join this group because I wanted to connect with others and learn from each others experiences as well as be accountable for my own actions. I feel like to truly know me you need to know my back ground. Bare with my improper grammar, typos, etc.....my job doesn't call for that kinda stuff..........this has actually been the first time I have been able to put this in writing and to tell you the truth it scares the shit out of me. I have always been worried about what others think of me or if they truly knew me they would not want to be friends etc, etc ......pretty much MAJOR self esteem issues...and I am def getting too old for this type of thinking ...topics for later posts ;)

I grew up in northeast N.J. ( jersey girl forever) in primarily a single family home with my mom and younger sister. I was very lucky to never have struggled with weight until after having kids. I was very athletic playing field hockey and lacrosse in high school. My senior year of high school I was about 5'9 and 128 lbs. I also have struggled with severe anxiety/self esteem issues most of my life. It has been debilitating at times and peaked my senior year.

After 2 hospitalizations for anxiety my senior year (back then I was told it was depression) I was put on Effexor. It did help but did increase my weight. Now at that time I might of gained 5 lbs which looking back is nothing !! This was the beginning of my introduction to SSRI's (anti depressants) and the effect they can have on your weight.

I ended up moving to Miami where my dad and step mom live to go to a community college. Not sure anyone knew what to do with me. I had no goals and basically didn't even know who "I" truly was. I failed miserably at school and ended up in Cleveland, Ohio where my mom moved in the mean time ( she is from the Cleveland area). I went to a community college and got a associates degree after many years. Then some how I got the self esteem to apply to a 4 year school thinking nursing would be a good career for me. I graduated with my BSN during which I had my first son and got married. I was about 28 years old.

My first son was born in Feb 2002 when I was 26. I gained 45 lbs during my first pregnancy. Although I had gotten married at the justice of the peace in Dec. 2001 my "true"wedding was in June of 2002. This was the first time I had EVER needed to lose weight. I lost all of my weight in 4 months weighing 133 lbs during my wedding. I also had terrible post part anxiety. I should be proud that when I look at my wedding pics I see this skinny beautiful bride. I am not proud. I spent 4 months losing all that weight for every one but ME !! I cared so much about what everyone else thought or would think about me that I was pretty much miserable and not enjoying the first few precious months of my sons life. My identity had always been based on my looks.

This began the battle with food and using it as a emotional clutch. I gained the same amount of weight with my second son in 2005 and lost all of my weight again (not for the right reasons) in about 8 months. Although I was skinny I was still not happy.

I could go on and on as I have lost the same 10-20 lbs over and over. I just recently gained 25 lbs being on Cymbalta. As of today I weigh 164 lbs which for ME is heavy. Everyone has THEIR number and looks different on everyone. I have done weight watchers, the cinch diet, Jenny Craig's etc etc.....I am sick of counting numbers or carbs vs protein and I just want to focus on fixing what I feel is the real problem for me. So right now I am watching what I eat...no number counting etc. and only eating when I am hungry. I did purchase the insanity videos ( my treadmill just broke) which should be arriving soon and I will be doing those and I love taking a yoga fusion class if i have the time. I have also committed to going to therapy weekly. I am hoping by fixing my anxiety issues and self esteem issues it will help with my emotional eating and my "hunger" for true happiness . Although my "number" goal is to be 145 lbs. My true goal is to love my self/life again and be the best mom I can be to the two most precious boys in my life !! Looking forward to sharing my journey with you .......


Piper